Most critical 4 years!

As parents, we choose to have children and therefore we are obligated to sacrifice almost everything in our life to raise, teach and protect them. The first 4 years of a child's life are the most critical for learning and developing and the reality is, that is the part of the father's life that he is still deep into his own stuff and by default letting the mother raise the children on her own. The amount of learning that takes place in the first 4 years cannot compare to any other 4 year period of their lives. In my opinion one of the most important things that must be taught by age 1 is your child must learn to communicate please and thank you. Without this elementary discipline they will instead learn that when I scream and cry I get what I want. This has been an incredible experience in the overall discipline of the children learning that crying does not get them more food, but communicating 'please' does. Teaching a 7 month old to communicate 'please' is not easy but with persistence it was proven 6 times in our home. As a father I can see the responsibilities and requirements from my perspective a lot easier and I do not give myself much slack when it comes to the importance of parenting with purpose. We have to parent our children intentionally, not reactionary. To be a reactionary parent is just cleaning up messes and fixing screaming fits, sitting the child down with a TV while we try to give candy to the other so shut them up. ALL of that line of thinking is wrong. As a father, if I ever give my child a screen or device because they are crying or begging, I'm WRONG and should be ashamed, especially if I give them the screen so I can indulge in my own selfish desires. The first and only line of defense against our kids growing up to be whiney, self-entitled, lazy brats looking for handouts who can't do anything for themselves is active, fully involved, only priority parenting. As a father, if I do not actively teach and train my children every day, I'm a failure. If I don't teach them something new and give an in-depth perspective on something, failure.  When it comes to work and responsibility, we have our work cut out for us there too. Once our children can walk, all they want to do is please their parents. They are like dogs at that age, everything they do they look up at us for approval. One of the biggest mistakes parents make at that age is they send them away because they are only slowing down the progress OR they don't actively give them small chores. What this does is it gets the children used to not working. In the parent's mind it is the right thing to do, I mean the kid is too young to make it worth it, right? What they don't realize is they are taking the most impressionable years and impressing on them that they sit around while mom & dad do the work, your welcome! If we give them work from 1 year old they will get in the habit and realize that it is normal to help with any and all chores in our home. Asking your 1 year old to put your shoes on the steps, asking them to put trash in the can or asking them to 'help' run the vacuum all give them satisfaction that they are making you happy. Yes, it will take you longer, but it's not about a clean house, it never was, it's about raising the kids that you signed up to raise. Dads have a habit of saying "I gotta babysit tonight". You don't babysit your own kids! You 'get' to spend time with your daughter or son. As dads we have an incredible opportunity to help mold and shape our children and guide them in whatever direction we choose. The scary thing is if we choose to neglect that responsibility and just check the box that we spent 5 minutes with them a few days or suffered through a tea party so now I can go play baseball, play xbox or hang with the guys, someone else will raise them. Speaking of Xbox, it's my opinion that no father should be involved in any gaming platforms as they are designed for addiction and take us away from our children, isolate us from family and steal time that we can never get back. Dad's if you are serious about your children and wife stay off the games! Do it for your family. Taking every opportunity to teach and train your children is a duty and an obligation, not something you can opt out of. Actively look for ways to engage and teach. As the father of 6 children ages 1 to 13, I can say that laying the ground work when they were 0-4 has paid off time and time again! When you see an 5, 6 , 8 or 10 year old that is an absolute brat, out of control, crying for and getting whatever he wants..... look at his father! By age 2 they should full well know that they get absolutely nothing when they cry for it. There is a way to get what you want, when you say "excuse me" and you "ask nicely". The answer may not always be yes but what they should get is an explanation that satisfies their inquiry. Ask any of my children "what do you get when you cry?" they will immediately reply "Nothing" because that is an absolute. It is beneficial to establish absolutes in your home, things such as "when you cry you get nothing", "Disrespecting your mother is a Really Really big deal!", "Hands in your lap and quiet until we ask the blessing at dinner", "It is never ok to argue with your parents" (we will debate, discuss and explain, but not argue).. etc. Establishing those absolutes allows firm, understood rules to be established. There is nothing more important than raising our children and there is no more important time than when they are 0-4 years old. Dad's, if you missed it, you will probably see evidence of it and pay for it for a long time. One last thought on your girls, 

Dads... Concerning your daughter, if you don't demonstrate deeply on a daily basis that you love her, she will find a guy who will convince her that he does..... 

"My kids ask too many questions"!!

  Have you ever heard a friend or another parent say in frustration, "they won't shut up, it's always why this or why that and a million other questions about everything under the sun..." As a parent, if you don't treasure this and seek out those opportunities, you are nuts! As a dad, I have so much I want to teach my kids on important subjects and critical issues, but if I were to tell them to sit down so I can talk to them about this or that it may be super uncomfortable because of the subject or they may not be listening because their mind can't switch from playing baseball or legos to listening to their dad talk about work ethic or the dangers of peer pressure and drug use. Like everything in a child's life it must start before they are born, thinking about these issues, discussing it with your spouse and preparing yourself to raise and teach them. When they are old enough to talk, tell them repeatedly that you enjoy when they ask you questions and when they do ask tell them "Thanks for asking me that". Now this is where the magic happens. If your child asks you a question... guess what.... most of the time they are ready, willing and able to sit down and have an in depth conversation about the subject at hand, they will be attentive to what you say and take it all in. Also, this is a perfect opportunity for you to segue into other like topics that you may want to discuss. 

    There are some subjects that parents don't want to talk to their children about and I get it, I mean who wants to tell their child what heroin addiction is? My children know because the question was asked about people looking asleep or dead on the corner, the conversation started with drugs then went on to addiction segued into other forms of addiction and also educated them to what needles are and why they should never be touched for any reason. An example of the value of the conversation transitioning as it did is that if I were to tell me children what a needle was and explain why they should not touch it, they could have become curious and actually picked one up if they saw one. But being they understood the horrific life that just one poke could bring... No needles for them, ever! 

    Parents may be uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex and educating them to what is safe and healthy. I know a lot of parents a few generations ago just skipped that responsibility. There are many ways to get the conversation started. One is to plant those seeds that no topic is off limits with our children and us, private conversations can include anything that they are curious about. A friend of mind told me that he was unsure of how much to tell his 9 year old son about sex.. the answer is easy, get the conversation going and once they ask one question and you answer it honestly, he will have another question. Now we have a conversation. How much do you tell him? Again, easy, when he stops asking questions, you satisfied his curiosity. My son asked a bunch of questions right away then off and on over the next few weeks and then his curiosity was satisfied. 

    It is very important to answer ALL of your child's questions. If you don't answer them to their satisfaction, someone else will and that someone could be the wrong kind of influence or worse yet it could be google. A friend (and a father) and I were having a conversation within earshot of my 11 year old daughter and one of us mentioned birth control. My daughter heard that and asked, "Dad, what's birth control?". Now this is a direct result of me teaching her for years that you can ask me anything and I will tell you the truth and encouraging her to ask. Now before that question was even past her lips my friend responded "Big people stuff". As if it were a reaction to that type of question.. and could even have been a defense mechanism to not have to talk about 'uncomfortable subjects'.  My daughter was curious and asked a question, her curiosity was not satisfied but she WAS shut up about it with the response. She may be ok for now but that curiosity will eventually creep back in. If I had given her the "big people stuff" response and left it at that, she definitely would not have come back to me with the same question, instead gone to a friend or older person or God forbid, google, and gotten an answer that I had no control over. Something to also consider is that if she got shut down when being curious about birth control, what other sex questions did we inadvertently shut down that will now be outsourced?! What a horrific thought, "We have some control of how and what our children learn and we shift that to an outside sources when we shut them down or do not explain to satisfy their curiosity". 

    A friend of mine once asked how you know how much to teach your children about new subjects that may require a mature mind to understand. The answer is simple, "when they stop asking questions, you stop answering". It's that simple. Look at the incredible opportunity you have when your children come to you with questions. They will ask a question if they are curious and will stop asking when they are satisfied. And if your child is like 99% of other children, they will be curious and ask more over time and ask their curiosity builds so does our opportunity to teach. Just remember one thing during these extremely valuable times of conversation, you have to be on high alert to never make them feel as if they are wrong or their is something negative about asking these questions. As a parent you need to take steps early one in your child's life, i'm talking 3 or 4 years old, to encourage them to ask questions and thank them for asking. 

    Kids are curious and always will be, they like boys and girls and always will, they will have questions about some taboo topics and WILL get answers to them. Make it a top priority to be that information source for them. As parents look at how they see you, do you always yell and get excited when they bring up some shocking topics? Do they hide stuff from you because they know your reaction? Do they ask their friends or their aunt or uncle with fringe theories and beliefs? Make it you, but remember all good parenting starts before the child is conceived. 

A father's to do list

As a father there are many things pulling us in many directions all the time. The good ones, the conscientious ones and the honorable ones should have a to do list that outlines the good and worthwhile things that should be in every father's life. The following is a basic list of things that should be followed in every father's life as a beginning to success. 

Every year:

• Take your boys on a weekend trip in nature; just you and them. From the time they are 4 years old make it a priority to get together with them for guy time. As a dad how many times did you say, "don't tell Mom!"? From a boy's perspective imagine an entire weekend of that! Camping, hiking, canoeing or any other outdoor activity you enjoy together. As a dad, the hobbies you had as a bachelor are no longer valid unless your kids are into them too. And even then, some hobbies are not valid as a father. Video games, in my opinion, have no place in the life of a man with children, in fact they should have little, possibly no place in a child's life either. The intentional highly addictive design of this type of entertainment is dangerous. Video games, social media, alcohol, drugs.... all of these things have been found to have the same highly addictive nature and each addict will say "Not me, I have it under control". Participants in each one of these possible 'escapes from reality' triggers a release of dopamine to the brain which is the 'feel good' chemical. 
• Spend an entire day or two with just your girls. Girls need their father's time and attention more than boys do. It's been proven over and over by neglected girls who turn to many things to replace the physical love, affection and time of their father. Majority of girls who end up pregnant before marriage were neglected by their fathers. You may think that you do not neglect your girls because you are home most evenings and you don't purposely leave them out, but if you do not purposely spend time with her, just you and her, on a regular basis, you are neglecting her. A friend once told me in regards to my oldest daughter who was 7 at the time "Spend time with her, don't push her aside because you are busy, it is so easy to tell her to entertain herself or take care of this or that because she is the oldest and you know she will just entertain herself. But if you do the results are not good". He went on to tell me how he found himself in a situation with his oldest daughter, with a few younger kids he would always tell her to go read a book or find something to do or help with the kids.. He was always 'present' in her space but was not 'present' in her life like he wished he had been...  She wound up pregnant before marriage....  Girls will seek what they do not receive from their dad, whether it's time, attention or physical touch. 
  
• Take a weekend vacation with just your wife. It is proven that the one who understands the most gets neglected the most. In a family, when it comes to a husband's time, it's his wife. She sees the same needs you do and therefore understands when she comes last. But in the same way that you should teach your children that their mother is the most important person in the world, you need to treat her that way. One weekend a year with just the two of you, unwind, leave the worries and care at home and be together. 

Every month:

• Date your daughter! From the time they are 4 years old; separately if you have two or three- time out, away from the home and family with just the two of you. Not randomly tagging along when you go food shopping but intentional time, explaining that it is date night.  Let the conversation go where she takes it. Have an open mind and if you've been teaching her since 2 years old to ask any question and you'll give her an answer, this time could be golden. Prepare yourself to listen and not interrupt. Having done this for over 8 years with one daughter and 3 years with the other.. It is something I look forward to maybe more than they do. Daughters can fall through the cracks when it comes to fathers. Having talked to my sisters and other women about their relationship with their father in comparison to their brothers.. almost always they speak as though they got the leftovers. And for the same reasons mentioned above, if it's not your time they get, it will be a boy's time before they are mature enough and he will want very different things than you do.
• Date your wife- For the same reasons that you go for a weekend trip once a year, you go on a date once a month. 
• Get out in nature with your children. There is not much more rewarding than spending time in God's creation. Whether hiking, biking, backpacking, fishing, playing, picnicking etc. there are a ton of things that you can do outdoors. 

Every week:

• Talk about your blessings- When we talk about our blessings we don't leave much time for complaining. Once you start you create a spirit of thankfulness in your children. Encourage your children to pray, ask them to ask the blessing at meal time and when they are done, thank them. That demonstrates please and thank you. When they pray instruct them to always start with thanking God for anything they are thankful for then follow it up with requests.
• Actively seek out ways to bless others. Everywhere you look you will see need and opportunity to help. "Do unto others.... " if we really were repaid in the way we blessed others would we be wanting in a bad way or would God open the floodgates of heaven... as he promised?  It does not start with God blessing us abundantly that we give and bless, it starts with accepting the promise, we give and bless then the floodgates are opened. God says "Test me in this...". 

Every day:

• Hold your children. Countless studies have been done and countless scientific proof has been presented that concludes that children that are held, touched, kissed and otherwise shown physical affection are much more likely to achieve more, be more confident, more caring, better spouses, more thoughtful and feel more secure and less likely to seek unhealthy fulfillment in others than children who are not. Being a dad is a choice, being a father is an obligation. You have the choice to have children but once you do, your life is not your own. 100% of your time, energy and anything else you got better be devoted to wife, children and the pursuit of their happiness. If you do not hug and hold your daughter from the time she is born until she has a family of her own, the chances of her seeking out a boy who will, skyrocket! If you do not, the chances of her getting pregnant out of marriage, skyrocket! By nature, girls need to be held and loved by a guy and, dads, if that man isn't you, it will be someone else and probably not the one you would choose. 
• Hold your wife, as much as girls need their dad when they are young, your wife wants to be held and needs you to hold her when you are married. Many times you may hear someone say they no longer tell their wife they love her because "she knows I love her". Of course she knows, of course.... right? But just like we teach our children that actions speak louder than words... but what if actions AND words are missing? Is it just the assumption that the default is in play here? No, that is how you drift apart, that is how your eyes start to wander and you convince yourself that the grass is a little greener somewhere else.. Tell your wife each day "I love you". 
• Kiss and hug each of your children- Again it's back to physical touch and physical affection and children by nature need and desire that. Take that away and they will turn into some weird kids that get funny when you hug them. Know a kid that gets nervous or funny when you hug them and tell them you love them? Trace it back to their parents... they probably didn't get kissed or hugged or told 'i love you' very often. 
• Read to your children- All of these things involving children have one common theme: Spending time with your children. Read to your children before they can read to help develop a love for reading, a curiosity in books and a desire to learn. When they get older you need to encourage the love of reading and encourage true and wholesome books, not fantasy books or books that have no educational or spiritual purpose. Purely entertainment books are just that, purely entertainment and while there is nothing wrong with them in and of themselves we could think to ourselves "how could I better redeem the time". 
• Have private, no kid, time with your wife- Every day a priority of mine is to spend time alone, no kids, no interruptions, time with my wife. Kids will eventually realize that this is their time and I am not allowed to interrupt. Guys, remember, as hard as you try, you will 'not listen' or 'interrupt' so make a concerted effort to shut up and listen. If you say you are interested in hearing what your wife has to say, prove it by closing your mouth and listening... listen to hear not to respond.
• Pray with your family- I find that praying with your family is such an important aspect of a believer's life. Talking to God like you talk to anyone is a great way to teach your children that God is here with us now and always and he is just a thought away. When praying, speak to God like you'd speak to another person sitting next to you, be clear, plain and explicit and use this time when those kids are tuned in and focused to teach them profound principles of truth. Always thank God first and then ask. This is setting the example that we are to be thankful people first, thankful to parents, siblings, teachers, friends... Eventually when they approach you to ask for something the spirit of thanks will be present and it will help shape the way they ask for things, in a more thankful way. 
• Teach your children to say please and thank you- from an early age, children can be taught anything we choose to teach them. Gratitude is one of the easiest things to instill in a child as being right and normal. We teach our babies to say please in sign language starting when they are less than one year old. We go through many dinners that are loud and frustrating for the baby. Physically moving their hands in the sign of please and then giving them the bite will eventually cause them to make the connection that when they do that motion, they get what they want. I had one person tell me they would never teach their kids to sign 'please' because by the time they finally caught on, they could talk anyway. They missed the point! The point is never to teach them to sign, it is to teach them to ask politely for the things they want. Soon after they grasp the concept of please it is simple to add on the concept of gratitude and thanks. Throughout their childhood you can constantly maintain their sense of gratitude and their polite nature in asking please by inconveniencing them. Inconveniencing a child is one of the more effective ways of reminding and instilling right behavior. If they fail to say please you can wait until they do or not fulfill that request because of the absence of 'please'. If they fail to clean up their dishes as asked to do and you realize it when they are in the middle of a game or in bed, you can ask them to do it at that moment. If you give them the chance to wait until it's convenient for them or when they are done the game, odds are they will forget again. Inconveniencing them is a good way to make an impact. Children who have say please and express gratitude have a much better chance to being well behaved in other social settings. 
• Read the Bible to your children- As with any other setting in life their are always opportunities to teach or children if we look for them. "talk about these things when you rise up, when you lie down, when you come and when you go and when you walk on the way". The bible tells us to talk about the things of God all the time with our children. 

All the time:

• Actively look for ways to serve your wife- In doing this you will demonstrate love and commitment. Not only do it but find joy in it. 
• Actively look for ways to sacrifice for your wife and children- Just like serving your wife, sacrificing is an act of love. Putting aside the selfish things you want to do and serving them instead is above rewarding. Whether it be sports, hunting, fishing, video games, work or any other thing we like to do we have to remember that family is first and always. Not first where we depend on our wives to tell us when she needs us to 'help out' and put aside our childish desires, but first like it is first in our mind. 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." We are not children anymore, at least we are not supposed to be. If our wives ever tell us they need us to put away the hobby, cancel sports, not hunt every weekend, pause the video game (which have no place in a father's life anyway) or many other things, we fail our wives. We need to be the man of the house taking the leading role, not a followup role to our wives. Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church..." It does not say husbands submit to your wives.. Although don't get me wrong there is much to be said for a husband who is aware of his wife's feelings, beliefs and desires and sacrifices his own for her when it is not a scriptural issue. 
• Honor your wife in word and deed. So much so that there is no doubt in your wife's or children's minds that you love them unconditionally. 
• Encourage your kids to ask questions- From the first time my oldest daughter had comprehension I encouraged her to ask questions. I went on to thank my children for asking questions and explained in depth whatever they wanted to know. There may be many things that you want to explain to or talk to your kids but if you set up the time and place and bring up the subject it might be awkward at best. If your child asks you the question... you have a captive audience. You can talk and segue into any other subject you'd like. I explain that no topic is off limits and I will be honest and tell them the truth and that if there is ever anything they don't understand, just ask. It has been incredibly rewarding to help create understanding children who have a broad knowledge of many subjects. As a father you have an awesome responsibility to teach and train, so never stop talking to your children. As a father, if I do not teach my children something new everyday I consider myself failed for that day. We have a bedtime routine where the boys will ask questions or request stories of when I was little etc. All these things are prime opportunities to teach and train. Don't pass them up. 

I remember my dad always saying....

You may have said it a hundred times or heard it said by friends, "I remember my dad always saying..."

I've said that a hundred times, "I remember my dad always saying..."  In my life it has been everything from relationship advice and wisdom to repairing one of the many Lawn Boy Mowers he picked out of the trash to conscientious work ethics. He always had something to say and it was always welcomed. Even now, today with my dad being gone more than 20 years, his words still echo when the time is right and I always remember my dad saying things. This makes it all the more important to 'say' things to my own children. The Bible says Deuteronomy 6:6 "...and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." This can be translated to every good thing we know as a parent. When we are with our children we are teaching them whether we like it or not. Teaching them by actions and words. So if we don't make an appoint to be positive and constructive we are doing more harm than good.

Teach them all the time, talk about good, instruct, put in the time. There is no greater service you can do for your children than to teach and train.

Loving like 1 Corinthians

Love is a crazy thing. How do we really know what love is? When we are growing up we might often wonder if we really love someone. We say the words 'I love you' to parents and siblings but do we really know what they mean, the depth and magnitude those words hold. Webster's dictionary defines love as "a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person". I don't know.... that doesn't sound like the real definition of love. So we look to the place where we seek all our answers, the Bible.
1 Corinthians says "...... if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing". In our trials and tests we often pray for faith the size of a mustard seed and we are pretty thankful when we get the victory we are praying for. Imagine what faith that can move a mountain would do? And yet Paul writes to the Corinthians that we could have all the faith in the world but if we do not have love, we are nothing. Not just less or a disappointment or something minor, just flat out nothing. And again in verse 3 Paul writes "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." We can give all we have over and over to obey scripture and help everyone we ever know is in need, but if we do it without love, it's worthless, we should have just kept it all. We can do many things in our life and may seem like a really good person, but all that done without love is worthless and we are nothing.

Further in 1Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails".  Now that's a better definition than Mr. Webster could ever write. If we ever had the thought pass our mind "do I really love them?" Or if we say we love someone but don't show it, that verse clears it up pretty quick. Love is patient. How often do we lose our temper, get annoyed at our spouse or secretly wish they would hurry up. Are we ok with our kids or spouse taking as long as they need to learn something or figure things out? Or does our patience wear thin when they don't snap to it. Our level of patience would indicate if we really loved them. Love is kind. Are we compassionate and kind? Do we speak kindly to our kids and spouse or anyone we meet In a day? Do we have a kind heart that sees needs and react? Love does not envy. When someone we know or our spouse gets a better shake than we do or has better things or can afford nice things, do we envy them are we jealous of their blessings? Love does not boast. Bragging, boasting and gloating have no place in the mouth of one who truly loves. Are we always bragging about the things we do or always talking about the 'things' we bought?  All we are doing is saying how great we are! We are not great. That's not what we were created to do. That's not what we were created to be. Love everyone in your heart. Have divine love in your heart for everyone. Genuinely desire the best for each and every person you meet. If someone has something against you or treats you badly... bless them. Love never fails.

An open letter to all dads

This letter is written from the unrealistic perspective of an adolescent daughter.

Dear Daddy,

I've been thinking about my future lately, I sure hope you have too! You know, parenting is a full time job. I'm sure you know that but sometime you don't seem to act on it. I need you involved everyday of my life. You may think that Mom has me handled since we are both girls but dad what you don't realize is that while Mom really does play a large role in my life, it has been said that you play the greatest role ever in my life. I need you to be committed, not just verbally committed like saying "yeh yeh, i'm here for you". Being there and fulfilling your obligations are two different things. Most dads come home every night and say they are being there, but the good ones make an appoint to be home on time or early so they can assure me that i'll spend quality time with you. Dad, stop chasing the dollar and start chasing me! Stop trying to please every business associate you know and start trying to just make me feel loved, daily.  I'll only be little once and for some of my older peers that time is slipping away faster and faster as they grow up. Dad, you need to teach me everything you know and instill in me the values that made you who you are! I need to know how to pray, how to read the Bible, what is acceptable speech, who are acceptable friends, I need you to read to me and sit with me, pray with me and laugh with me, I need you to create such an amazing relationship with me that I would not think of making a life decision without first talking to you. That amazing relationship will bloom into mutual amazing respect when i'm a teenager and beyond. But Dad, you need to wake up! That maintenance on our relationship should have started when I was in the cradle. It's not too late now, dad, it will just take some hard dedicated work and some time. I don't want to be one of those girls who decides to run off and get married and you are scratching your head wondering where you went wrong. Or out of the blue I leave the Faith I was raised with leaving you in shock. Dad, you need to be constantly teaching and explaining things to me. You learned them over your 20,30,40 or so years and you only have a few to teach them to me. Don't give me a lame excuse that you don't have anything to talk about. You've been around a lot longer than I have! But remember dad, listen closely now, 'you can't learn anything while you are talking to me'. I want you to know me inside out. You need to sit, listen and admire the simple innocence that I am at this young age. Listen to what is important to me and take an interest in that. Don't get me wrong, I want to hear what you have to say too, but you will always have those same words, I am growing up fast. Sit with me dad, every night by my bed and let me talk, listen, take it in and admire the beauty that is your daughter who loves you unconditionally.  I need to have firm convicted teaching ingrained in me as truth and normal so that when a new idea or new way of thinking comes along or someone challenges my faith or tries to lead me astray I have something to base my opinions and decisions on. Dad, you don't want some guy to come into my life and just indoctrinate me with all his views and philosophies do you? I need to know how and what I believe, firmly, before anyone tries to show me abother way. It will happen if you don't invest the time in me now to teach teach teach and enjoy each other's company. I need a reference point for all things true when I get into my teenage years. I will easily be lead astray if you don't help me dad. Teach me, love me, hold me, kiss me, hug me, date me, listen to me and don't stop any of this as long as we both shall live. Make me a promise dad! All of us young girls have it born in us to seek out the company of a man. Dad, this HAS to be you!! If you don't teach us and show us, we won't know whats right and wrong and will seek out another boy that you don't approve of and is bad news for me. I won't know that sex outside of marriage is a bad thing but saved for marriage is a beautiful thing. I won't know that I should not drink alcohol or smoke! I won't know to avoid people of bad influence and to think of my spiritual well being before the simple feelings of others. I won't be able to recognize peer pressure and know that it can be a very bad thing when I run with the wrong crowd. I won't know that as a teenager it is possible to make some very bad decisions that can adversely affect me for the rest of my life!  I won't know that sleeping around is wrong. I won't know that it's dangerous to be dating at 15 years old. I won't know what kind of language is acceptable. I won't know a lot of things if you don't teach me dad because if you don't teach me, another boy will. Dad, if  you don't create that awesome open and respectful relationship now, I won't feel comfortable going to you for advice, especially when it's something I know you won't be happy about. And if I lack a relationship with you it will most likely be a boy that will lead me down a bad path and possibly to destruction. Dad, also, when I do something that disappoints you please try to stop, think then respond so that I'm not constantly getting grounded or yelled at and slowly a wall of resistance is built that I don't feel like climbing over every time I want to talk to you. Dad, if you raise me right, with respect and love, I will have so much admiration, love and respect that I will not even think of a boyfriend until I'm 18... or 25. I know my friends will be talking about boys their whole life because their parents put those thoughts in their heads, but not you dad, teach me right, please. Dad, I need you, all of us little girls need our dads but it seems that most of our dads are not listening. They say they are, they look like they are, but they are not. When one of my friends grows up, meets a guy, and conforms her life to his including his wrong spiritual views, her dad can't be surprised, after all, he was not there! Dad, don't neglect me. I need you, a lot and often. What are you saying by your actions is more important than me? Your job, your money, your friends, your hobbies, my brothers, helping others? There are many things that you can put ahead of me and while they are 'good' in themselves, if you neglect me while you are doing them, they are wrong! I need you, I am your first priority, I get you first, last and always. If I fail you it's most likely because you failed me first. Don't get it twisted dad, your charity starts at home. In so many words, dad, I am asking you to put your life on hold while I grow up. If you fail in this I will make decisions that will cause you much disappointment and  heartache. I will not do those things to hurt you, but simply because this is the life you handed me. My life is in your hands dad, do not let me down, I'm counting on you. Dad, I'm 3 years old, who else can I run to??

Love
your daughter

P.S. My brothers need you too. I'll try to talk them into writing to you sometime...

If tomorrow never comes...

Sometimes late at night

I lie awake and watch her sleeping

She's lost in peaceful dreams

So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind

If I never wake up in the morning

Would she ever doubt

The way I feel about her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face this world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

'Cause if tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face this world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

If you want to hear the real version of this song check it out here CLICK LINK on you tube then read on...  

"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring."  Proverbs 27:1

That verse comes the closest to saying straight up "tomorrow is not promised". All of us have lost loved ones long before we thought it was their time. Fathers, mothers, husbands, wives,  brothers, sisters, friends or children, the list could go on. If we lost someone close do we really know how much they loved us? Do we say they loved us because it was something that we 'knew' even though they may not have said it or showed it very much? Were they one of those 'but you know how I feel about you' kind of people that did not show affection or say I love you? If that is the case it leaves a sad heart. 

This being written by a husband everything is written about a wife. But their are some wives that need a wake up call in the love and affection department and to show their husbands the respect, honor and love that the Bible commands.

We are not promised tomorrow and tomorrow may not come! That is a sobering thought that tonight when we lay our head down next to our wife, kiss her goodnight and close our eyes, we may not wake up to see her again. God may call us home. Or our wife may be called home. It is a real true possibility because no one knows the time that each of us has left on this earth. If that did happen, if I did not wake up tomorrow, would my wife know how much I loved her? Did I try in every way to show her every day that she's my only one? I have a marriage vow and a commitment and promise made before God and friends to honor, love, respect and protect her and there is no place for division in those vows! If we break them what else is left that is sacred. Like I say to my kids "A promise is a promise". In other words when you make a promise there is nothing greater and there is no excuse not to keep it, after all, a promise is a promise. I've been married for just over 7 years and while that seems like a short period of time, I hear people that are getting divorced say "We made it 10 years, we did good"? What? We have only 7 years in and we are just getting started!! In those 7 years you spend a lot of time around a wide variety of people and couples in a variety of places in their relationships. Some just married, some married 20 years, some engaged, some dating and some just starting to date etc. We notice little things about couples, it could be strangers or someone we are out with and we discuss these things... I'm sure you all do that. Some things blow me away the way some guys treat their wives (and vice versa).... and this is in public! Guys, the way you treat your kids and you wife around others will be multiplied when you are at home. Ever at a friends house and he 'tells' his wife to do something while he relaxes with the guys? "Hey 'wife' put the coffee on". " Hey  'wife'  the dishes need done".  'wife' the baby needs changed, 'wife' I want dinner on the table when I get home from work. The list could go on and on. Guys, your wife is your bride, your gift, the love of your life, your treasure as Solomon says,  the queen of your house, the mother of your children and the one you vowed to honor, respect and love with all of your heart!! If you even make a request or demand of your wife without the word please and end it with a question mark you don't deserve the woman that she is. Plain and simple you don't! You deserve the frying pan maybe but not that woman's love. Guys, our wives should be our top priority with only God above her. Someone once told me the priority list should be, "God, wife, kids" in that order. My thought was,  "He only says that because he does not have kids at home to deal with and prioritize", but later I realized how right he was. A kid centered home is a home with priorities out of order and you marriage will suffer. The stress builds up and you take it out on each other. Sarcasm sneaks in, finger pointing and blame. I was told by a husband that his wife would ask the same question all the time that he didn't have the answer to, his response was a sarcastic one that she knew wasn't serious. She would walk away and make her own decision on the matter and go on. After this went on for awhile he asked her "When I answer like that does it annoy you"? She answered "yes". He said "I thought you would have gotten the hint then". Come on man!! Is this really the relationship you want with your bride? With the limited time husbands spend with their wives on an average day, you are going to choose to use sarcasm instead of telling her how you really feel about her question? Communication is key.

"If I never wake up in the morning, would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart?" 

There are two types of marriages and when I explain these two types our minds will race through all the ones we know and sort them out, and of course we see our own as the second type. But is it really? Deep down? The first type is what I call a business agreement marriage. The husband and wife both feel the same way about most of the main issues in life, they both want the same thing when it comes to kids and how they are raised, they have very similar wants and desires that they've talked about anyway. They 'get along' great and don't argue too much. She 'listens' to him and his final say. Most of the time they have no real issues to speak of..... but the marriage lacks,,,,, what's the word,,,,, lacks real substance, real passion, real love, real active pursuing self sacrificing daily affectionate passionate love. "But we have kids"..... bull crap! Kids only enhance it! Any couple that uses any excuse of why their marriage is anything less than type number two maybe shouldn't have gotten married.  It is a marriage that 'works' but is there actually anything else of value to it? Have you ever been around a married couple a lot and thought to yourself "I've never seen them touch each other, flirt, hug, kiss, laugh, snuggle........... and I've seen them a lot"? Where did the kids come from? ha. That's the first type!

The second type has a husband who makes his wife his first priority everyday. He never stops thinking about her and ways to make her happy, ways to honor and respect her. He tells her 5, no maybe 10 or 15 times a day that he loves her and makes sure she knows just how much! He demonstrates what love is to his kids and how to love a woman and their mother. He demonstrates by example that their is no place in our home for demands no matter who is talking or who is being talked to (except maybe in the bedroom) ha! They talk about things that upset them and work them out. He does everything he can to make her life and work easier. He is passionate about his wife and makes time for her. This second type of marriage prioritizes time together, daily, making it a priority to spend the last hour or two together to talk and enjoy each others company. Actively working things out so he can date his wife. Before you were married, you spent a lot of time together, you dated, you went to dinner, you spent time alone talking and playing games, you got her gifts and flowers... why did that all stop?? Don't say anything about your kids! Don't use them as an excuse of why you don't pursue your wife, why you aren't in love with her or why you don't passionately demonstrate your love and devotion to her everyday!  A husband once related to me how his wife never did this, always did that, beat him down, wore him out etc etc and he asked me how my wife and I get along so well. I told him I had a fail proof  plan for a great marriage. If everyday you both get up and think what you can do to make the others day better, never think of yourself, and in everything you do, do it for each other...... how can you go wrong? His response "Oh, well I could do that but she would never do it for me so it would never work". That, is a type 1 marriage that will probably never change. Husbands! you need to prioritize your wife, never stop thinking of her, never stop complimenting her and loving her no matter if she reciprocates it or not! It's all about how YOU treat her! 

If tomorrow never comes will she still be angry at the moron you were last night? Will she still be pissed because you yelled at her for not having dinner on when you got home?  Or will she remember how much you loved her without having to convince herself that you really did? Don't be one of those guys who tells your wife you love her once or twice a day. I don't care if you've been married for 45 years or just got married. Time should not matter when it comes to holding your bride, loving her, enjoying her, romancing her, thinking of her, kissing her and being her man, always thinking of ways to be of service to her! 

Every day, every minute you are around your bride treat her like tomorrow might not come, cause it might not! Make sure she knows what you think she knows. Treat her like the treasure that she is. Tell her again and again. Ask her if she knows. Tell her. Show her. Tell your children how much you love their mother and demonstrate it in their presence. Show them how to really love and respect a woman. If you have boys this is of monumental importance that you demonstrate how to respect and love a woman. Womanizers are not just something that 'happens'. If you know a man who disrespects women you have to wonder where his dad was during his growing years. When it comes to loving your bride tell her and show her so much that that smile and glow don't go away and when it does it lights back up again.

Acknowledge what your wife does. What she does for you, what she does for others and what she does for your family. Acknowledge and thank her when she does the dishes.......... "But that's her job, why would I thank her for doing what she is supposed to do?" You thank her because she IS doing the job that she is. Taking care of a house and family is no small task and a woman who chooses to do so deserves our thanks and appreciation. Even hear a guy joke around that 'the woman belongs in the kitchen'? He may make it out to be a joke, but I bet that if you were a fly on the wall you'd find out that he may only say it as a joke, but the attitude demonstrated in the daily grind says different. If tomorrow did not come would she suddenly feel free of your pressure to meet your standards when it comes to housework? Is she free to make her own rules and set her own schedule? Don't be a regret but instead be a joy to be around. Several wives have told me that if they could do it all over again they would never get married, they'd stay single their whole life. I questioned that maybe with the right person it would be different. They both had similar answers that no guy would be better than their current husband. How wrong they are but they will probably never know it! Don't be that husband that your wife despises. Be a breath of fresh air when you arrive home, not one of those "Here we go again" kind of husbands. Don't try to change her to be like you, it's not easy. Remember that the easiest thing for you to do, is be you. It's not easy for her to be you.  Thank her for everything she does, love her for who she is, date her, pursue her, treat her like your treasured bride that she is. That smile should not go away!

Tomorrow may not come. So each day. Live it with your wife in a way that if tomorrow does not come, with no words or convincing she will know in her heart and the world that witnessed your marriage will know the way you felt about her.

As a follow up note:

If all this sounds good but you find your spouse not responding to what you feel is the ultimate way to show love, maybe you just aren't speaking their language. More specifically, their Love Language. If that intrigues you, click this link and take the quiz http://www.5lovelanguages.com/