"My kids ask too many questions"!!

  Have you ever heard a friend or another parent say in frustration, "they won't shut up, it's always why this or why that and a million other questions about everything under the sun..." As a parent, if you don't treasure this and seek out those opportunities, you are nuts! As a dad, I have so much I want to teach my kids on important subjects and critical issues, but if I were to tell them to sit down so I can talk to them about this or that it may be super uncomfortable because of the subject or they may not be listening because their mind can't switch from playing baseball or legos to listening to their dad talk about work ethic or the dangers of peer pressure and drug use. Like everything in a child's life it must start before they are born, thinking about these issues, discussing it with your spouse and preparing yourself to raise and teach them. When they are old enough to talk, tell them repeatedly that you enjoy when they ask you questions and when they do ask tell them "Thanks for asking me that". Now this is where the magic happens. If your child asks you a question... guess what.... most of the time they are ready, willing and able to sit down and have an in depth conversation about the subject at hand, they will be attentive to what you say and take it all in. Also, this is a perfect opportunity for you to segue into other like topics that you may want to discuss. 

    There are some subjects that parents don't want to talk to their children about and I get it, I mean who wants to tell their child what heroin addiction is? My children know because the question was asked about people looking asleep or dead on the corner, the conversation started with drugs then went on to addiction segued into other forms of addiction and also educated them to what needles are and why they should never be touched for any reason. An example of the value of the conversation transitioning as it did is that if I were to tell me children what a needle was and explain why they should not touch it, they could have become curious and actually picked one up if they saw one. But being they understood the horrific life that just one poke could bring... No needles for them, ever! 

    Parents may be uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex and educating them to what is safe and healthy. I know a lot of parents a few generations ago just skipped that responsibility. There are many ways to get the conversation started. One is to plant those seeds that no topic is off limits with our children and us, private conversations can include anything that they are curious about. A friend of mind told me that he was unsure of how much to tell his 9 year old son about sex.. the answer is easy, get the conversation going and once they ask one question and you answer it honestly, he will have another question. Now we have a conversation. How much do you tell him? Again, easy, when he stops asking questions, you satisfied his curiosity. My son asked a bunch of questions right away then off and on over the next few weeks and then his curiosity was satisfied. 

    It is very important to answer ALL of your child's questions. If you don't answer them to their satisfaction, someone else will and that someone could be the wrong kind of influence or worse yet it could be google. A friend (and a father) and I were having a conversation within earshot of my 11 year old daughter and one of us mentioned birth control. My daughter heard that and asked, "Dad, what's birth control?". Now this is a direct result of me teaching her for years that you can ask me anything and I will tell you the truth and encouraging her to ask. Now before that question was even past her lips my friend responded "Big people stuff". As if it were a reaction to that type of question.. and could even have been a defense mechanism to not have to talk about 'uncomfortable subjects'.  My daughter was curious and asked a question, her curiosity was not satisfied but she WAS shut up about it with the response. She may be ok for now but that curiosity will eventually creep back in. If I had given her the "big people stuff" response and left it at that, she definitely would not have come back to me with the same question, instead gone to a friend or older person or God forbid, google, and gotten an answer that I had no control over. Something to also consider is that if she got shut down when being curious about birth control, what other sex questions did we inadvertently shut down that will now be outsourced?! What a horrific thought, "We have some control of how and what our children learn and we shift that to an outside sources when we shut them down or do not explain to satisfy their curiosity". 

    A friend of mine once asked how you know how much to teach your children about new subjects that may require a mature mind to understand. The answer is simple, "when they stop asking questions, you stop answering". It's that simple. Look at the incredible opportunity you have when your children come to you with questions. They will ask a question if they are curious and will stop asking when they are satisfied. And if your child is like 99% of other children, they will be curious and ask more over time and ask their curiosity builds so does our opportunity to teach. Just remember one thing during these extremely valuable times of conversation, you have to be on high alert to never make them feel as if they are wrong or their is something negative about asking these questions. As a parent you need to take steps early one in your child's life, i'm talking 3 or 4 years old, to encourage them to ask questions and thank them for asking. 

    Kids are curious and always will be, they like boys and girls and always will, they will have questions about some taboo topics and WILL get answers to them. Make it a top priority to be that information source for them. As parents look at how they see you, do you always yell and get excited when they bring up some shocking topics? Do they hide stuff from you because they know your reaction? Do they ask their friends or their aunt or uncle with fringe theories and beliefs? Make it you, but remember all good parenting starts before the child is conceived. 

A father's to do list

As a father there are many things pulling us in many directions all the time. The good ones, the conscientious ones and the honorable ones should have a to do list that outlines the good and worthwhile things that should be in every father's life. The following is a basic list of things that should be followed in every father's life as a beginning to success. 

Every year:

• Take your boys on a weekend trip in nature; just you and them. From the time they are 4 years old make it a priority to get together with them for guy time. As a dad how many times did you say, "don't tell Mom!"? From a boy's perspective imagine an entire weekend of that! Camping, hiking, canoeing or any other outdoor activity you enjoy together. As a dad, the hobbies you had as a bachelor are no longer valid unless your kids are into them too. And even then, some hobbies are not valid as a father. Video games, in my opinion, have no place in the life of a man with children, in fact they should have little, possibly no place in a child's life either. The intentional highly addictive design of this type of entertainment is dangerous. Video games, social media, alcohol, drugs.... all of these things have been found to have the same highly addictive nature and each addict will say "Not me, I have it under control". Participants in each one of these possible 'escapes from reality' triggers a release of dopamine to the brain which is the 'feel good' chemical. 
• Spend an entire day or two with just your girls. Girls need their father's time and attention more than boys do. It's been proven over and over by neglected girls who turn to many things to replace the physical love, affection and time of their father. Majority of girls who end up pregnant before marriage were neglected by their fathers. You may think that you do not neglect your girls because you are home most evenings and you don't purposely leave them out, but if you do not purposely spend time with her, just you and her, on a regular basis, you are neglecting her. A friend once told me in regards to my oldest daughter who was 7 at the time "Spend time with her, don't push her aside because you are busy, it is so easy to tell her to entertain herself or take care of this or that because she is the oldest and you know she will just entertain herself. But if you do the results are not good". He went on to tell me how he found himself in a situation with his oldest daughter, with a few younger kids he would always tell her to go read a book or find something to do or help with the kids.. He was always 'present' in her space but was not 'present' in her life like he wished he had been...  She wound up pregnant before marriage....  Girls will seek what they do not receive from their dad, whether it's time, attention or physical touch. 
  
• Take a weekend vacation with just your wife. It is proven that the one who understands the most gets neglected the most. In a family, when it comes to a husband's time, it's his wife. She sees the same needs you do and therefore understands when she comes last. But in the same way that you should teach your children that their mother is the most important person in the world, you need to treat her that way. One weekend a year with just the two of you, unwind, leave the worries and care at home and be together. 

Every month:

• Date your daughter! From the time they are 4 years old; separately if you have two or three- time out, away from the home and family with just the two of you. Not randomly tagging along when you go food shopping but intentional time, explaining that it is date night.  Let the conversation go where she takes it. Have an open mind and if you've been teaching her since 2 years old to ask any question and you'll give her an answer, this time could be golden. Prepare yourself to listen and not interrupt. Having done this for over 8 years with one daughter and 3 years with the other.. It is something I look forward to maybe more than they do. Daughters can fall through the cracks when it comes to fathers. Having talked to my sisters and other women about their relationship with their father in comparison to their brothers.. almost always they speak as though they got the leftovers. And for the same reasons mentioned above, if it's not your time they get, it will be a boy's time before they are mature enough and he will want very different things than you do.
• Date your wife- For the same reasons that you go for a weekend trip once a year, you go on a date once a month. 
• Get out in nature with your children. There is not much more rewarding than spending time in God's creation. Whether hiking, biking, backpacking, fishing, playing, picnicking etc. there are a ton of things that you can do outdoors. 

Every week:

• Talk about your blessings- When we talk about our blessings we don't leave much time for complaining. Once you start you create a spirit of thankfulness in your children. Encourage your children to pray, ask them to ask the blessing at meal time and when they are done, thank them. That demonstrates please and thank you. When they pray instruct them to always start with thanking God for anything they are thankful for then follow it up with requests.
• Actively seek out ways to bless others. Everywhere you look you will see need and opportunity to help. "Do unto others.... " if we really were repaid in the way we blessed others would we be wanting in a bad way or would God open the floodgates of heaven... as he promised?  It does not start with God blessing us abundantly that we give and bless, it starts with accepting the promise, we give and bless then the floodgates are opened. God says "Test me in this...". 

Every day:

• Hold your children. Countless studies have been done and countless scientific proof has been presented that concludes that children that are held, touched, kissed and otherwise shown physical affection are much more likely to achieve more, be more confident, more caring, better spouses, more thoughtful and feel more secure and less likely to seek unhealthy fulfillment in others than children who are not. Being a dad is a choice, being a father is an obligation. You have the choice to have children but once you do, your life is not your own. 100% of your time, energy and anything else you got better be devoted to wife, children and the pursuit of their happiness. If you do not hug and hold your daughter from the time she is born until she has a family of her own, the chances of her seeking out a boy who will, skyrocket! If you do not, the chances of her getting pregnant out of marriage, skyrocket! By nature, girls need to be held and loved by a guy and, dads, if that man isn't you, it will be someone else and probably not the one you would choose. 
• Hold your wife, as much as girls need their dad when they are young, your wife wants to be held and needs you to hold her when you are married. Many times you may hear someone say they no longer tell their wife they love her because "she knows I love her". Of course she knows, of course.... right? But just like we teach our children that actions speak louder than words... but what if actions AND words are missing? Is it just the assumption that the default is in play here? No, that is how you drift apart, that is how your eyes start to wander and you convince yourself that the grass is a little greener somewhere else.. Tell your wife each day "I love you". 
• Kiss and hug each of your children- Again it's back to physical touch and physical affection and children by nature need and desire that. Take that away and they will turn into some weird kids that get funny when you hug them. Know a kid that gets nervous or funny when you hug them and tell them you love them? Trace it back to their parents... they probably didn't get kissed or hugged or told 'i love you' very often. 
• Read to your children- All of these things involving children have one common theme: Spending time with your children. Read to your children before they can read to help develop a love for reading, a curiosity in books and a desire to learn. When they get older you need to encourage the love of reading and encourage true and wholesome books, not fantasy books or books that have no educational or spiritual purpose. Purely entertainment books are just that, purely entertainment and while there is nothing wrong with them in and of themselves we could think to ourselves "how could I better redeem the time". 
• Have private, no kid, time with your wife- Every day a priority of mine is to spend time alone, no kids, no interruptions, time with my wife. Kids will eventually realize that this is their time and I am not allowed to interrupt. Guys, remember, as hard as you try, you will 'not listen' or 'interrupt' so make a concerted effort to shut up and listen. If you say you are interested in hearing what your wife has to say, prove it by closing your mouth and listening... listen to hear not to respond.
• Pray with your family- I find that praying with your family is such an important aspect of a believer's life. Talking to God like you talk to anyone is a great way to teach your children that God is here with us now and always and he is just a thought away. When praying, speak to God like you'd speak to another person sitting next to you, be clear, plain and explicit and use this time when those kids are tuned in and focused to teach them profound principles of truth. Always thank God first and then ask. This is setting the example that we are to be thankful people first, thankful to parents, siblings, teachers, friends... Eventually when they approach you to ask for something the spirit of thanks will be present and it will help shape the way they ask for things, in a more thankful way. 
• Teach your children to say please and thank you- from an early age, children can be taught anything we choose to teach them. Gratitude is one of the easiest things to instill in a child as being right and normal. We teach our babies to say please in sign language starting when they are less than one year old. We go through many dinners that are loud and frustrating for the baby. Physically moving their hands in the sign of please and then giving them the bite will eventually cause them to make the connection that when they do that motion, they get what they want. I had one person tell me they would never teach their kids to sign 'please' because by the time they finally caught on, they could talk anyway. They missed the point! The point is never to teach them to sign, it is to teach them to ask politely for the things they want. Soon after they grasp the concept of please it is simple to add on the concept of gratitude and thanks. Throughout their childhood you can constantly maintain their sense of gratitude and their polite nature in asking please by inconveniencing them. Inconveniencing a child is one of the more effective ways of reminding and instilling right behavior. If they fail to say please you can wait until they do or not fulfill that request because of the absence of 'please'. If they fail to clean up their dishes as asked to do and you realize it when they are in the middle of a game or in bed, you can ask them to do it at that moment. If you give them the chance to wait until it's convenient for them or when they are done the game, odds are they will forget again. Inconveniencing them is a good way to make an impact. Children who have say please and express gratitude have a much better chance to being well behaved in other social settings. 
• Read the Bible to your children- As with any other setting in life their are always opportunities to teach or children if we look for them. "talk about these things when you rise up, when you lie down, when you come and when you go and when you walk on the way". The bible tells us to talk about the things of God all the time with our children. 

All the time:

• Actively look for ways to serve your wife- In doing this you will demonstrate love and commitment. Not only do it but find joy in it. 
• Actively look for ways to sacrifice for your wife and children- Just like serving your wife, sacrificing is an act of love. Putting aside the selfish things you want to do and serving them instead is above rewarding. Whether it be sports, hunting, fishing, video games, work or any other thing we like to do we have to remember that family is first and always. Not first where we depend on our wives to tell us when she needs us to 'help out' and put aside our childish desires, but first like it is first in our mind. 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." We are not children anymore, at least we are not supposed to be. If our wives ever tell us they need us to put away the hobby, cancel sports, not hunt every weekend, pause the video game (which have no place in a father's life anyway) or many other things, we fail our wives. We need to be the man of the house taking the leading role, not a followup role to our wives. Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church..." It does not say husbands submit to your wives.. Although don't get me wrong there is much to be said for a husband who is aware of his wife's feelings, beliefs and desires and sacrifices his own for her when it is not a scriptural issue. 
• Honor your wife in word and deed. So much so that there is no doubt in your wife's or children's minds that you love them unconditionally. 
• Encourage your kids to ask questions- From the first time my oldest daughter had comprehension I encouraged her to ask questions. I went on to thank my children for asking questions and explained in depth whatever they wanted to know. There may be many things that you want to explain to or talk to your kids but if you set up the time and place and bring up the subject it might be awkward at best. If your child asks you the question... you have a captive audience. You can talk and segue into any other subject you'd like. I explain that no topic is off limits and I will be honest and tell them the truth and that if there is ever anything they don't understand, just ask. It has been incredibly rewarding to help create understanding children who have a broad knowledge of many subjects. As a father you have an awesome responsibility to teach and train, so never stop talking to your children. As a father, if I do not teach my children something new everyday I consider myself failed for that day. We have a bedtime routine where the boys will ask questions or request stories of when I was little etc. All these things are prime opportunities to teach and train. Don't pass them up.