Raising children seems like it must be the most confusing job. It seems that you have the situations that the parents are super strict with their children and they will follow their rules no matter what. It seems that those parents are concerned with the 'outward appearance' per se. Almost like if we have our children do all the correct things and go all the right places they will have to by default turn out right and continue on in that path. Then you have the situations where the parents allow the children at a certain age to make their own decisions (with the parents opinions in mind of course) and pray that they will be guided and protected in whatever they decide. I don't have a problem with either of them to an extent although in the first group it seems that no matter how old the kids get, even if they are not kids, the parents refuse to let go of the just a little.. One case in particular the kid is in the 25 year old range! To that I think to myself "C'mon". But then again he is not in my family so It's not really my concern. My theory on this issue though, is this. Children will do what they want to eventually, and if it is not at home under their parents roof it will be when they move out, whether that is just on their own or when they get married. I think that when I child grows up and matures to a certain point he or she should be allowed to make his or her own decisions with the opinions and thoughts of those who are responsible for them in mind. Because if they don't give the children that respect and freedom the kids will just take it on many issues that can be hid away from the parents view and therefore losing some respect and eventually start to close down the channel of communication and openness and honesty that was or should have been there. I find it much more satisfying and have much more peace knowing where and what they kids are doing and who they are with even if I do not approve than to have them just run out because they know I will yell and scream and belittle them and tell them how wrong they are.. AND a BIG mistake I've heard over and over to myself and other people is when a parent or guardian or someone who is confided in is presented with a situation whether is be a confession to them or just getting talked to about a mistake,,, and that person, instead of building the younger person up, they take the low road and break them down by telling them in so many words that "I was never as bad as you, I never even tasted alcohol, I never cheated on a test, I never skipped church, I never lied to my parents, I never failed a grade in school, I never stole from anyone, I never got in a fight, I never I never I never.. the list could go on forever!! From my own experience, when I was below low and I took a confession to a respected friend of mine and they told me all the "I nevers" about what I had done. I just wanted to walk away and never come back. The kids DO NOT ever need to hear how good we were and how perfect we were. I said awhile back that in a warped sort of way it would be better for us to LIE and tell them "Yes, I've been there" than to tell them "I can't believe you did that, I have NEVER done that"... We need to relate to them or at least try to and NEVER NEVER NEVER bring ourselves into it in a comparing sort of way! It makes the child feel worse than they already did and makes them feel worthless! There is nothing a child needs more than to have someone who can accept them no matter what they do in their lives. I have a really good friend and a confidant and a man of God whom I treasure our friendship for a few years now. I have told this man things about me and my life and my past that would make most anyone else up and walk out of my life. But because he never told me how good he was and how bad I was, and he still loved and accepted me no matter what I am where I am today. The Lord gave him the wisdom and ability to know what I needed and when and used him to help me. Marriage is the beginning of a huge continuing self sacrifice, not only for your husband or wife but more so once God blesses us with children. The problems arise when our eyes come off of Christ and onto ourselves. I said this no long ago, "In a relationship it can be as perfect as perfect in one way, that the two people involved continually think of each other first and put them first and it will ride on the line of wonderful". It is the first step to a downhill spiral of failure when one of the people involved starts thinking of themself or their own ambitions and wants or desires. Family and selfish ambitions don't walk hand in hand, but husband and wife do and if you are holding your wife's hand you cannot cheat on her and hold the hand of your own ambitions too. When you get married your children DO come first. But once they start growing up it is very hard to let go of the tight (and rightly so) hold you have on them. BUT if you continue to hold them tighter and tighter they will break the rope and you may not see them. They may get so tired of being under the thumb of doing what my mom and dad say because it is right but they seem to only be doing it so I 'look' right. They will do what they want, that's a fact. It's just a matter of whether the relationship is developed where your kids feel comfortable to talk to you about what they are doing and who they are with or whether you will go ape junk on them if you find out they strayed from the straight and narrow. And when it comes down to it.. is it really for there own well being or do we want the image of a family where none of us ever miss church or none of us ever stray from what is preached. There is a point where in getting kids to do what we want them to, just makes us much worse than they ever were in our human efforts instead of simply... sitting down with them.... telling them how we feel and what we believe is right...... advising them on what to do..... and putting the whole matter into the Lord's capable hands...... And IF,,,,IF they chose something that we do not believe to be correct we must remember to not treat them any differently.. no worse treatment... because if we do, if we treat them worse because they went against our wishes, they will not sit down and have that talk the next time,, they will start to not care what we think and we will drive them away!! Making our kids walk that hard line is not always the most beneficial thing for them in the long run.. if we force them to walk it against their will.. the first chance they get.. they will make that line disappear.... They need to be loved and accepted no matter what they do.. they need to be loved and be shown love no matter what kind of talk we are giving them.. With those things in mind and God in control we are bound to keep or regain our kids respect.
JF
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