If you could see me now

I drove to Reading Terminal Market on a recent Saturday morning before the kids woke up, and it reminded me of the little amount of time I actually spend alone with no other people. When I am alone and driving like that I seem to always think of my dad. Maybe it's the country music I have on that brings up those thoughts. I often wonder what life would be like if he and Mom were still here. It's been almost 19 years but I still feel like that 19 year old kid when I think about them. On my way down this morning the song "If you could see me now" (Jeff Bates) came on. Now I know this is a song about losing a baby, but it made me think to myself , "What if they could see me now, what if they could be here now, what if they could talk to me now, what would that be"? And my mind was flooded with thoughts and my eyes with tears. If I could speak to my dad and mom for a few minutes these are a few of the things I think i'd say. If you could see me now I would hope that you'd be proud Dad.  Proud of the young man that you raised, leading by example to love his wife and children unconditionally like you love my Momma. And to love the Lord and fear God. If you could see me now I wonder if we'd still play tennis once a week after dinner like we used to or hang out when doing odd jobs and fixing things. And, Dad, man you have no idead (or maybe you do) how extremely beneficial those countless hours of hanging out with you when you worked on things and fixed things really paid off in teaching me to fix things, repair things and do whatever needs to be done. Your diligence to figure problems out when something needed to be fixed has taught me well. It kills me to not know the relationship you could have with my children. It is one of those few things that just doesn't seem right. But they know you, they really do, I often talk about you both and will say things like "Grandmom would have said "This" or Granddad would have done "That" and they really do know you as much as I could hope for right now. They know about your scratchy face, dad, from your stubble growing back in. and how you used to scrunch your cheek up when we came to give you a kiss. They also know that I never got too old to kiss you on the cheek and they know that I never regretted that! They know that the last thing I did to both of you was give you a kiss before you went to be with the Lord. They know they  are never too old for a hug and kiss for mom or dad. Dad, they know of all the times you read about Brer Bear and Brer Rabbit in the voice you did. Mom, they talk about you as tho they knew you and like its just a little while til they will really meet you. Mom , Dad, if you could see me now, you'd be happy at the nice girl I was blessed to marry. Dad, she's just the kind of girl you said I'd meet if I waited for the right one. You would love her. She's compassionate and loving, she loves and respects me and more importantly loves the Lord! Mom, if you could see me now you'd see my wife is a lot like you. She respects and honors me like you did for Daddy. That was a quality I admired as a young man and so blessed to have it in my wife.
If you could see me now you'd see a young man that misses his dad and mom as much today as I did almost 19 years ago. It seems so wrong but I often wonder what I'd be like if you were still here. Would life have put me on a different path and I not be living the life I am now? We will never know.

There are a million questions and a million unknowns, but I can say this, that if I could see you now Dad, I wrap my arms around and hug your neck, I'd kiss your scratchy face as you scrunched up your cheek. Mom I can still picture that Saturday the last time I saw you. You stood by the piano getting ready to leave for a day trip, I kissed your cheek and said goodbye. That picture is burned in my memory Mom, that kiss on the cheek and that goodbye.

So in all that has taken place in the last 20 years, I hope that if you could see me now you'd be proud. I try Dad, I really do. I know what great relationships are and I have what I'd consider some great relationships but can't imagine what it would be like to still have you and mom.

If you could see me now....